Are You Alone?

What churns in the dark, unfathomable seas of my mind is obscure. Not obscure enough to make me numb. And then I wonder, like I always have, about some stupid things like right and wrong: about what needs to be done and not done. And then comes this sweet drowning sensation after which I simply don't care about anything...life comes to a standstill. Everything becomes meaningless. Meaningless existence perturbs and tries to overcome itself. But in the end there is only endless conviction...

I have spent a large part of my life like this, alone and wondering what is wrong. Why I really don't feel happy? What is that I am looking for? What is happiness for me, what is my real aim in life? What direction am I heading to and where will I go with all this... The impetus to go on vanishes and I feel really low at times. Very low.

And then there is this joy of being alive and I suddenly feel rejuvenated. The joy of having a whole body, food, water, air, computer and small luxuries. The wonder of seeing, hearing and being able to feel, being able to be sensitive. The wonder of life, the gift of sanity, intelligence and desire. To be able to think and feel, walk and talk, love and do good. Life is a wonder with a miracle happening each moment around me, the miracles I refuse to see in hope of a "big" miracle. The joy and wonder are lost in the pseudo feeling of loneliness. I am alone?

But there is no two. Two is the confusion, two is the source of sorrow, two is the all-consuming feverishness to be one say the wise. I guess we have to realize that we are “one“, we will always be the one. And so will be our neighbor and our mother and our friend... Each one for himself(or herself). The way gets lonesome because it is lonesome. The company we get is also meant to teach or balance the great karmic scales it seems. In the end all are alone...