Guilts and Regrets

At some point in life I left behind guilt and regrets. Not that I regret it, I just feel inclined to observe and analyse its effects.

When somebody feels responsible for an event which they feel is against their moral fiber, beliefs, principles etc, a strong feeling of guilt and/or regret is born.

Some say that if (that is IF) the belief-sets are comprehensive, such guilt or regret can be helpful. The person will never repeat the same mistake again. Or so they think. Mistakes have this uncanny habit of coming back in disguised forms...

Guilt instills irrational fear and people tend to mark things and events as black or white. They tend to forget that life is all about shades of grey. Guilt or regret may also have severe psychological and even physical effects on people. Scientific studies prove that a strong feeling of guilt or depression can interfere with the working of the thyroid gland, leading to obesity and many health related problems.

So what am I trying to say? We should not feel guilty? Like a mercenary soldier who kills without regret, even for pleasure? Hold it right there! Not feeling guilty is not about becoming a psychotic, sociopath with "no regrets"!

What I intend to say is that the only healthy antidote to guilt is strength, awareness and responsibility. To do what is necessary, knowing and accepting the consequences with arms wide open. Feel the pinch: you will if you have a conscience. But don't let it over-power you, don't let it destroy you. Don't let it turn you into a dead stone afraid of taking risks and making mistakes. Learn and move ahead. Period.

In the end life is a beautiful gift. But the beauty is only for the one who dares to look beyond the dichotomy of good and evil, the one who takes responsibility for his actions with awareness, the one who has courage...

And for the rest there is no peace. Neither in this world or the next. They will just keep running here and there, crying and laughing on nature's beck and call, victims of their own mind and weakness.

The power to get there lies with us.

So does the choice to get there.

Rider Without A Face

I drive fast, zig-zaging my way through the impossible Bangalore traffic. I see that sucker stuck behind and give myself a cocky grin as I pass him by from the left side. And what's that? A red light in the distance on the impeding traffic junction. Now red lights are something I hate with all my fiery tropical blood. Like death, they are great equalizers. The screwed up communists of the road. No matter how fast you go, you will have to stop by it and wait for the ones you left behind. Seeing the looser I left behind catch up and smirk is the last thing I want. And yet the choices I have are limited to either stop or risk my way through the traffic out of my turn. I will decide when I reach there. If the traffic is light, I will take my chances. Cops? Can be a problem on a bad day but they are generally cool spectators as long as I don't bump somebody. The signal is here and I see no big traffic, so here we go!

Phew, made it and going strong. I know the law abiding guys that I have left behind and the car-waalas who have sweared and blown their horns as I have cut them out with my bike will be fuming somewhere back there, cursing the roads, the system, the traffic sense and of course me. Gives me an almost sadistic pleasure thinking of the poor guys. Ha! Look at me, I don't believe in cribbing. You outrun them, make the way or get left behind. You don't crib. I am where I am because I take risks, even at cost of others, to get ahead. You don't crib, that is for sissies. And this is just one of the roads.

I have defied misfortune and death. And I will continue to do so. At least that is what I hope. Traffic gets worse every day. People die and crib. But I am the untouched rider without a face that bugs many on the road. It is a hard world. Nobody cares. I don't care either. We will meet someday, I hope. Till then I have another red light to jump...

Analyzing Reservations

Reservations as an affirmative action have found place in several countries of the world. India is one of them. I was thinking about where does this idea of reservation come from and what is the real psychology behind it. Here is my take on it.

To poach is a human tendency. The classic story of the camel pushing the Arab out of the tent is an ugly truth of human behavior. The power flux has the ones at the bottom trying to get up and the ones up trying to maintain their status quo. It is a very animalistic thing and their is nothing very "human" or "fair" about it. You either win or loose. That's about it.

But may be that's not all about it. The Hindu scriptures say that when a man is in hell he does penance to come out of it. Out of the penance comes dominion. By reigning over the dominion a man falls down to hell again and the cycle continues.

A step ahead of poaching is parasitism- to somehow get things done without having to work hard for it. While poaching is relentless greed, parasitism is that topped with sheer laziness.

In society at different times different people have monopolized resources to repress a big part. What comes after that is, generally, a bloody revolution or genocide. Either way a new order comes up which monopolizes the resources for itself. Some make a pretense that all is being done to "equalize" and change. Nothing changes. Only the controlling hands do.

I see reservations as an instrument of reversing the power flow. Hence the repressed and the untouchables of yesterday will become the repressors of future. The villages in India today have still not let go the caste but the order is reversing itself. It is not about merit, development, uplifting poor or economy. It is about who is powerful at this moment and who controls. Nothing more and nothing less.

And there is no use lamenting about it. People who find it unfair will leave the country, die frustrated or work hard and make a mark in the private sector (provided private sector is not brought under reservations). It is not possible that ALL 50% of the reserved category guys will be incompetent duds. Some will be good too and that should keep the economy afloat. Government will get its votes. Only losers will be people who are not labeled as the "disadvantaged".

People talk about meritocracy. A true meritocracy is a very hard thing to achieve. In the end people get what they deserve. With 50% of people in India living a life of poverty things are hard. Development is an enemy of the state. Developed, well-informed people are difficult to mislead. Fortunately the Governments around the world do a good job of that. It is left to the individual to find his/her safe haven.

On the ending note, he was born poor but worked hard and played mean. When he finally got power, he became corrupt. And then he fell again to somebody who had worked harder and been meaner.. And that my friend is the psychology behind reservations.

Reading Till I Die

Stories fascinate me. They have always fascinated me. Any factual or fictional incident or information that is easy to read qualified. When my mother's stock of stories got depleted, she encouraged me to read. I guess I must have been really hungry for more as I started reading at the age of 6. It began with comics, fairy tales, children books. By 8 I moved to my first classic, Black Beauty. By 11 I started reading history and science facts besides the classics, Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, Enid Blyton. By 15 I had started with philosophy, mythology, religion, astrology, numerology, poetry, psychology. Non-medical made me read physics, chemistry, maths. In graduation, besides the engineering, I read about arts, architecture, form, semantics, cognition, nanotechnology, computers. A few years back I started reading about economics, finance, analytics, distributed computing, artificial life. I am 27 now.

Now I don't read as much as I used to. Till 15-16 years I was a genuine book worm. Still, a good book can be irresistible. The problem is that if I really like a book, I want to read it whole in one shot. I cannot leave it. The pain begins if the book is too long to be read in one day. Then it is almost as if the book starts reading me! I forget about everything(except my office work, papi pet ka sawaal hai..).

As I lay on my bed, hungry and sleep deprived, I read. My eyes ache and water. I still read. In this delirious stage I almost see all the characters jumping out of the book and saying and doing what I read: and I feel high. Don't even ask me how and why. I cannot see anything else, hear anything else, think anything else. And then, one day, the book finishes. Just like that. I can read only (at most) about 500 pages a normal weekday.

Although I know it had to be that way, it really feels hollow. You feel it should continue... And reading big books can be really painful the way I read it. Although I have learned to "cut it off" as I grow, it does happen sometimes. So these days I prefer movies, documentaries, Discovery and news channels. At least they wind up in time! It is almost like putting a drug-addict on alternative medicine. I am not going to read. Never again!

Well, that is after I finish the book I am reading.

And you?

Science or Art?

"Is the true value of civilization is reflected in its artistic creations rather than its scientific accomplishments?"

Science : the symbol of our intellectual muscle. Science : the magnificent, blatant, brutal display of human prowess. Our unmistakable stamp on the face of this planet can be summarized in this one word. Yet the statement claims that the true value of civilization is reflected in its artistic creations. What is so special about art?

If science is the strong skeleton of humanity, art is its beautiful body. Science is the criterion to judge a civilization's material prowess whilst art is the criterion to judge the spiritual prowess. A civilization with a strong technology is considered powerful and intelligent. One with strong artistic creations is considered creative and sensitive. Whilst science ensures survival, art makes that survival enjoyable. Both evoke respect and awe. So where should one look to find a civilization's true value?

One needs to carefully examine both of them to determine the truth. I think science has a definite advantage over arts. What use is any artistic endeavor if the belly is not full? Is any meaningful artistic pursuit possible without the comforts that the sciences bring?

A society with an excellent technology and poor artistic exploits is as poor with the one with vice versa, some claim. I beg to differ. A civilization devoid of strong scientific accomplishments is weak and impractical. Absence of artistic achievements indicates brutes, I may agree. But generally when science is strong, arts flourish. Rarely is it seen that a scientifically advanced civilization comes up which has no artistic achievements to its credit. Science makes life easier, gives you time to put into art. It has always influenced art though the other way round has not always been true. The medium has changed from clay tablets and stone to papyrus and skins, paper and canvas to computer screens. Science has enriched art over time.

To be fair, I may add this: although art does not always enrich science directly, it does enrich and “soothe” the human mind. This has long lasting effects on the ideas that control the forces of science. Yet it is science which will cure you when you are sick, defend you when you are attacked or make your work easier when it is tough. All in all, I don’t think arts reflect the “value” of a civilization. It was always science. And it will always be.

Good and Bad?

Was just thinking..What is a "good" person? What is "goodness"? What is a "person of strong character"? Conversely, what is a "bad" person? What defines a "person of weak character". Here's my view...

Before I talk about a good person, I need to define goodness. According to me goodness is a relative term and its definition varies from one person to other according to age, experience and location. Nevertheless in its most general characteristics practical goodness may be defined as an act that benefits people in some way. The people benefited may include the person engaged in the action. However the person's profit should not exceed that of the group and he should not be the only person in profit. Any person who can judge effectively such acts for a particular society and does them is a good person for that society. A person defined as good in majority of the societies is a good person.

Talking about character, according to me it is the iron in the person. A person perfect in action, word and mind (the most important) is a person of strong character. I think character is not only what you do when people are looking at you but also what you do when people are not looking at you OR when people don't matter to you. But it has nothing to do with good or bad.

Defining bad is easy now. Badness or evil is an act that harms or hurts anybody. Any person who engages in such an act deliberately is bad.

A person of weak character is one who is what he is because he has to be, not because he wants to. They don't have courage to either be evil or good and hence die hanging in between. Of course all people don't lie on the extremes and hang or oscillate between good/bad/strong/weak. A person of strong character may be good or evil.

This is my opinion.

What is your definition of a "good" person? How do you define a "person of strong character"? What is "goodness" for you? Conversely, what is a "bad" person? Define a "person of weak character" and tell me about your understanding of "evil" or "badness". And then, tell me how you see yourself in the mirror of truth and what makes you think so? Why? If no, how do you judge people? (Don’t give me that crap that you don’t "judge"!). Do we manipulate our definitions to put ourselves with the so called goodies/ not look at our "bad" side? Or do we accept ourselves for what we are without any regrets?

And I Write...

Movement is life. We move from one point to another. Sometimes with an aim and sometimes(eh..) aimlessly. Moving because we want to or because there is no choice. The essence of movement is action. No action can be perfect. Yet perfection is the aim of many if not all. Aim as in theory. Realistically and practically it is love and its permutations that drive the mind and the self to movement. Movement as we know it and as we don't know it..

In my words you may have seen or felt the stress on complements. The twin complements which form the heavenly libran balance, the driver and the driven, want and aversion, love and hate, God and Devil... I see them as the whip of the taskmaster we call life. They get the job done. But what exactly is this "job" is difficult to write for me.

And yes, then there is this life. The life that does not have any certainities, no single and final "truth" as we know it/want it. In the end it is all but a matter of perspective and the want within. The hollow, meaningless, haunting, unfathomable rage the soul feels from time to time due to an incompleteness it cannot comprehend. Pointless! The writing, the thinking; the living... Self-preservation, relativity, laziness and directionlessness are the words that cross the mind. The mind, of course, registers them as old-old words: overused, misused, abused, repeated... And so it goes with the questions that shall remain, I now understand. Here enters the silence (clap-clap-clap!) I try to break with these mute words of mine. As they break free from my pen (figuratively, of course!), I look at them hoping they are not the ghosts I left on some other paper or the ones I read somewhere.. Hoping they will find an end for themselves so as I can go on with a work to occupy the thought that is not there. Yet.

I close my eyes and try to let go of the labels I hold on to. And I write for the pain that nobody would know and the eternity that awaits... For the joy. For love and peace..

A Bad Day

I have never felt at home on this strange planet that I have been sent to. But since I have been sent here, I must deserve to be here. But God, I don't understand... And (as usual) I think..

days will pass, nights will go
years will pass, years shall show
love will fade, friends will vanish
doubt will creep, trust shall tarnish
eternity and I are friends, I know
"happiness is a state of mind"
and so is everything else
generalizations are cheap and easy
yet they work and are convenient
everything is a matter of convenience
and profit
..and courage
courage is a relative term
everything is relative, huh?
life is the search for the absolute
the absolute is me
where?
being human is tough
being an animal is easy
I don't want to live in tomorrow
I want what I can have today
Life will take its own course
In the end they will tell me it was planned and destined
then they will ask me what I learned..
if I feel like I do right now, I may say f$%k u
and they will send me again down to another hell
because I "deserve" it?
the chains are real. What is real?The pain is..

At times like these I find happiness in falling because there is nothing I feel to rise for or rise to. Selfishness, the inseparable basic animal instinct can permutate to take form of good or/and bad deeds. Love becomes the instrument of fate. Destiny awaits. I am human and I have my weaknesses. I learn slow and steady what I don't understand. My eyes don't tell me if it is night or day. My skin feels no snow or sun. But I do suffer for reasons I never know or comprehend. Somewhere caught in the cob-webs of my sentiments and ego is my happiness. Want to break free of everything, want to feel only peace. Can you hear me...

Getting Your Facts Right!

"Much of the information that people assume is "factual" actually turns out to be inaccurate. Thus, any piece referred to as a 'fact' should be mistrusted since it may well be proven false in the future."

Hindu philosophy defines truth as something that was, is and will be. This is the definition that people associate in general with "facts" they collect from science journals, newspapers, television etc. The people who think they know it all are in for a rude shock the day they decide to open their eyes a little more. The truth is that there are no static and absolute facts.

People talk about religious superstitions. They are the well known ones. Another kind of superstition has taken root of late : scientific superstition. If you recite something said by a scientist, the chances are that the listener will accept it as it is. The truth of the statement will seldom, if ever, be questioned. Any keen science student can tell you that modern science is highly applicative and totally result oriented. Constant experimentation, documentation, visualization, study and accidents by some of the greatest minds has given science its present face. There is only one thing : we do not really know how it happens. We just know it does and we know how to do it. Theories are put forward to answer many questions that have teased the human mind for eons. Theories and hypotheses come and go. Facts of one era become good but incompetent theories for the next. Be it evolution from Bohr's model of the atom to Schrodinger Wave Equations or Newton's classical mechanics to Einstein's relativity, there is nothing called fact. There is only evolution.

Why only science? There is no branch of studies in which rules/ facts/ theories/ hypotheses have remained invariably same. The pattern has been the same. Since the natural tendency of human beings is to progress, it is but expected that a statement that is a fact today may well be proven false in the future. Assuming any statement to be a fact is an unscientific attitude. One should always take a statement as an argument, an intelligent one if it has weight. We may not have any answers against it and it may even feel correct. Nevertheless the truth remains that it may not be correct.

If this sounds like a perfect recipe to become a skeptic, it cannot be helped. This is how it is going to be for anyone who will not settle for anything but the truth.

Nobody said anything about definitely finding it!

Can Conformity Kill Creativity?

"Conformity almost always leads to deadening of individual creativity and energy"
How can conformity always lead to deadening of individual's creativity and energy?If you want to learn something you do not know, you have no choice but to be a conformist. It is so because we need a place to start, a standard to refer to. It is by using this standard that we can gauge our success or failure. Everyone has to begin somewhere as a conformist.

The problem is not in beginning as a conformist but in remaining one! One has to remember that once you understand the rules, you need not get stuck in them. You can bend and break them as you please in order to get a good result. This is what is creativity all about. Creativity is the intutive ability to see and manipulate the rules of a trade or art to give results different from the ordinary. The problem begins when one looses sight of the goal and gets stuck in the means. The map becomes the prison and creativity meets a sad end. In this case conformity indeed leads to deadening of individual creativity and energy. Else conformity is just one of the many steps towards creativity. Even if you want to break the rules, you need to know them first. Conforming is a positive step in the growth of an individual. It becomes an act that enhances or updates the knowledge of an individual. If one is pursuing a branch of knowledge, it is sure that some people may have pursued it earlier. Benefitting from their experience is a wise thing to do. Getting stuck in it is not. Swami Vivekananda said that it is good to be born in a temple but bad to die in it. This means that religious ceremonies are just means to attach the mind to the supernatural. It is good to have them when the mind needs something concrete to hold on to the idea of God. All the same if you get stuck in the rituals and forget the real aim, it is bad for you. The message for us : start as a conformist to learn but do not get stuck!

Here comes up the role of a teacher. A good teacher can make the student aware if his conformity is helping him grow or is deadening his creativity and energy. Other deterrents are self-awareness, clear aims and intense desire to grow.

Concluding, conformity is not the enemy. Our approach towards it can be. Conformity without any aim or ambition is a sure road to kill creativity. Else it is just a step towards creativity. So, be a conformist. Just do not remain one forever.

Is Loyalty Good or Bad?

"Most people are taught that loyalty is a virtue. But loyalty--whether to one's friends to one's school or place of employment, or to any institution--is a destructive rather than positive force"

Loyalty is one of those qualities that we really look for in fellow human beings around us. In a highly competetive world it is comforting to know that you have someone reliable around you, someone who will not stab you in the back. Saying that loyalty is a destructive force may seem absurd. Is it like condemning an act of goodness?

If we assume that loyalty is indeed a destructive force, this implies that one should not be loyal. In the absence of the concept of loyalty, the person is free to follow a course which pleases him the most or suits his interests. He is also free to ignore, even harm, the interest of organization or people to whom he was supposedly loyal. This can be his workplace, school, college, friends, girlfriend, spouse, children or teacher. What would you call such a person? Opportunistic, egoistic, egocentric, unreliable : you have your choice of words to take and add. Would you like to be such a person? Would you like to have such a person around you?

In this era of globalization and fierce competition, many free lancers and professionals sell their brains to the highest bidder. Even for them commitment is a commitment. One takes the money one wants and delivers the result expected with no strings attached. It is said that even the world of crime has ethos. Without loyalty and the trust generated by such loyalty no project on the face of this earth can move forward.

So why do I say loyalty can be a destructive force? Loyalty can be a destructive force if it is selfishly bent and twisted to take some ugly forms like bigotry or chauvinism. Loyalty cannot be used as an excuse to harm or look down upon others. The feeling of mutual loyalty binds a family. The same feeling may be said to bind a terrorist organization! When we insist on being loyal and steadfast, sometimes we tend to overlook the mistakes of the people we are loyal to. One has to remember that being loyal means being dependable and trustworthy. It does not mean condoning or assisting in wrong doing. If your friend is digging his way down to hell, as a loyal buddy it is your duty to stop him and not to help him. Nevertheless some people do interpret loyalty as closing their eyes and ears.

Loyalty also does not mean that even if people use you, abuse you, walk over you with hob-nail boots; you still stick to them! Sticking to a company that pays you less and uses you more, staying in an abusive relationship, siding with your friend even when you know what he/she is doing is downright evil, indiscriminately promoting useless people because they belong to your region/religion/caste/country are some examples of how loyalty can be a destructive force.

Concluding, in the final analysis loyalty in itself is a neutral quality. Obsession with it can be destructive and so can be its total absence. It is definitely indispensable for successful group work. Whether it shows up as a positive or a destructive force depends on the kind of work the group does and the discretion/intelligence of the individuals. Unfortunately in today's world it is more of a destructive rather than a constructive force...

Freedom or Restriction?

"Most prefer restrictions and regulations to absolute freedom of choice, even though they might deny such a preference"

Who has ever heard of a "restricted" fun or party? Democracy works on the basic principle of freedom. People have fought and died for their freedom. The basic nature of any living soul is to be free. Even in a war it is a bad strategy to not give enemy any room for maneuver. Every cell in our body screams that we are free.

Yet we cannot deny that without rules and restrictions our life would come to a standstill. Yes, most people do prefer restrictions and regulations in many things. Law and order, schedule, time-table, organization : these are some of the words that have become embedded in our daily lives. These are the words which are enough to remind us how much we prefer restrictions and regulations. Without rules lives would go haywire. There would be utter chaos and total destruction.

So, what is wrong? What do people really prefer, after all!

The truth is that people in general prefer stability, fun, freedom and growth. The people are supposed to be free. However this freedom needs to be defined clearly and enforced equally to hold any meaning. Failing this it will not be freedom, it will be anarchy. Absolute freedom may work perfectly for a hypothetical perfect society. In real life it amounts to anarchy. As ironical as it may seem, the aim of regulations and restrictions is to make freedom flourish! It also has an additional task of preventing chaos and misuse of freedom. A man is free to move, eat, talk, vote, love, work, spend and worship. He is not free to steal, kill, loot, threaten and fight! A schedule has to be maintained so as you can do your work more efficiently. A organization needs regulations to ensure smooth working. Nevertheless it cannot dictate its employee's personal lives, discriminate between them on racial grounds or refuse to pay them. There are rules that prevent them from encroaching on an employee's freedom and vice versa.

Concluding, freedom and regulations co-exist in a delicate balance.Saying that most people prefer absolute freedom is as absurd as claiming that they prefer restrictions and regulations! Preferences of the people in particular and masses in general differ from place to place, situation to situation. Generalizing such preferences is simply not possible. The boundaries of freedom and regulations have always clashed trying to strike the right balance. But that is another story...

Modernization in All Things is Ill-considered Advice

Modernization in all things is ill-considered advice. Rather one should say Modernization in most things since many areas of human concern require least profit from intense focus

Any virtue illogically carried to an extreme becomes a vice. Honesty without understanding can become hostility. Truth without compassion can be brutal. Similarly, carrying out modernization in all things blindly can turn explosive. So is modernization in all things an ill considered advice? No. Intelligent application of modernization in all things is a blessing. What can anybody say about extreme use? The same sword that defends also kills. So is the sword "bad" or is it "good"? It is both. It just depends on the hands in which it is. So it is with the concept of modernization in all things.

Before we try to understand this, we need to be clear about our definition of modernization. We call something modern if we can identify with it as of our time or related with something that has been developed recently. The word is also used for things that seem to be ahead of time. So modernization means making something or somebody appear modern in appearance or behavior. Modernization in all things in the society means updating or improving upon material assets, acquiring and implementing new technology and making people's view liberal, unbiased, intelligent, informed and sophisticated.

Carrying out modernization in all things is the only road to a comprehensive development. Getting biased and taking it to "most things" may lead to a lop-sided, incongruous growth. Cancerous is the word. Can we hope to get a good society if we take into account modernization of only, say, material assets and technology? It may, at best, lead to a materially prosperous society barbaric in thought! On the other hand if one concentrates only on human resources, the society may grow intellectually but will suffer materially. Who is to decide how much is most? Where does its boundary begin and where does it end?

We definitely need modernization in all things. The question of intense focus does not arise if the growth has to be comprehensive. However, we do need intelligent planning and even better execution to see it through. This is true for any project. Each area can be taken one at a time or the responsibility may be divided. Priorities may be attached to a job according to the need of time. That is all right. However, after all has been said and done, all the areas must be covered.

There are no guarantees in life. Even the best laid plans falter. All you can do is give your best shot. Most means you are leaving something. All means one hundred percent effort. In any given scenario any logical person can tell you which one is better!

Life Technically

Dear Vendors

We have decided to undertake a project to understand life and develop programmatic models around it. We hope such models will not only benefit the AI but will be of good commercial value to the world too. The model will essential consist of a "world" and "forms".

Expressing "life" needs a form because a form has constraints. A form without constraints is free energy with no rules. This would essentially leave the team clueless from where to begin. Besides we also believe that pure energy with no constraints is not capable of experiencing or observing, is not capable of "consciousness". Only constraints give a frame of reference. It is something like in real world gravity defines "up" and "down", our body constraints define "left" and "right", a society defines "right" and "wrong". One can argue that for a zero-gravity place there would be no up or down, for an amoeba there can be no left or right and what is right in one society may as well be wrong in the other. However, we observe, that constraints limit a system and make it easier to program. Constraints should limit the perception but they will also make our models practical, developable and sustainable.

Another pragmatic reason for introducing constraints is that data-processing for life like systems(the forms) becomes extremely difficult and slow for the processing system if it is not ruled by constraints. The main system gets bogged down by too many details. This brings us to the second point of the proposal : probable design for forms. The different forms in the model may be considered separate systems made of smaller subsystems. But the functioning of the subsystems should be essentially decoupled from the main processing system. This means that the working of the subsystems should be essentially invisible to the main system until there is an event worth the time of the main system (like an exception thrown..). We assert that the "Observable" pattern may be pretty useful here. Every task and subsystem may hence have an independent algorithm with which the main system cannot affect to large extent. The data-exchange between them is also restricted. This should have significant advantages in terms of data-handling. One disadvantage that may arise out of it is that the form, despite of all the information, may be essentially unaware of itself.

Since the forms will need to interact, there should be a set of rules for that too, the implementation of which is left to the team. This will define "senses" of the form. Functions like death should be implemented if forms can replicate. However we do not want loss of experience and would like it to persist in some way in the forms replacing the "dead" form. May be we can recycle the energy as the concept of "re-birth".

The forms interact with each other and the "world" by the rules of the model. We propose two models: Evolution Model and God Model. In Evolution model we introduce very simple forms, the rules and just watch the emergent behavior. The forms may combine, learn, change, "evolve". In God model we introduce advanced forms as and when necessary and interfere if system starts becoming highly chaotic. We also drive the forms to a "purpose" for better understanding of directing emergent behavior of bots.

We expect you will start by creating simple worlds and complicate them as you gain experience.

Your Truly

Orion Inc.

PS: Last Minute Request: Once we determine what behavior is going to generate revenue, we would like you to implant bots with a "super-evolution" algorithm. Essentially after crossing a threshold we expect the bots to increase in processing power and observation. So to say the interaction between the subsystems and main system may become more powerful after increase in processing power. If the bot starts showing signs of intelligence and self-awareness, we would like to observe the results.

A Memory

A memory is an impression on the mind. The mind, stuck with its human “loneliness“. Stuck with itself...

A memory is past. It is “the splinter in my mind“.

For me memory is also a word. And that word is you... The cold lonely plains of eternity manifest themselves on the pallid, barren plains of gloominess. The cold winter persists awaiting the promise of spring. Delayed may be but nevertheless inevitable... And then the summer, autumn...and then the winter again... The cyclic manifestations of joy and sorrow? There is something I remember. And you? What do you feel? What perturbs you? What doesn't? So, life is a breeze? Life is nothing..or is it.... Get out of my mind. Now. Or manifest as you should...

May be if I could just be, I could have all I ever wanted. be-have?

Memory, the moments that flash across my eyes to haunt or delight... There are faces I see but it is difficult to listen to what they say. I know the words but I can't hear them. Could never hear them. Can you hear me? What do I say... Even you will become a memory. And me? I will re-invent you to nurture my lonely,delirious dreams. Would you know? Would you care? Will I?

So just hold on to what's there and move...we will find the way... I hope..

Pain

Pain: an unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder says the dictionary. My focus, I guess, is on the emotional side.

There is a pain we live with. A pain that promises to go away easily but does not. Living in pain is not a voluntary decision. It is like a severe attack of migraine. The one suffering cries, shouts and even bangs his head: often hurting himself and the people around. Yet the pain simply won't go. At that time the only thing that seems real is pain. “What is real” if Morpheus asked me, the pain is, I would say...

My take on it? What do I say... To say, to be heard and interpreted... Like always, I risk it for what the hell! I personally feel that a little awareness, magnanimity and strength can cure pain. For some time at least. The pain will return in the same or a different form because there is so much to learn... Changes will come but perhaps one life time will be too short to eliminate pain. Key words are persist, respect, wait, love, balance, play. Persist with effort, respect time, wait for your chance, love yourself(very important) and everybody and everything you can, balance whatever you learn for it may just be one of many faces of truth, play for life is short and no one knows for sure what after that...

Nothing touches the peace in the core once it is manifested. So they say...

So it goes.

The Gift to See

I feel people often delude themselves about the truth of things. But how does one “see” truth, as they say? The Sufis (and many other saints/philosophers) believed that one has to prove oneself worthy of truth and the truth surfaces. They were talking about God but I feel it holds true even for our day-to-day life. The first and only condition to achieve this, I feel, is silence. Not outside but inside. I have experienced that when I meditate and get some respectable silence in the mind, things seem much clearer. Only in silence I can let go of things and see them for what they are (like Jack Welsch writes “stop kidding! things are as they are!”). A possible reason may be that only in silence the chaos comes down and one is able to see. A zen master once told his disciple that one cannot desire the truth for truth comes from desirelessness.

I may add that in the end even truth is a point of view in the world. That is if you decide to look at things...

Moving Along

In retrospect the past feels like a dream. A feeling that I am either falling or flying. Things happened in strange funny ways while I was bombarded with cliches and questions alike..

“Whatever it is, do it 100% and you will be happy!” Great! You don't look like either a 100% guy or a happy one. Good advice anyway!

“Find out your dream, what you really-really want to do! You will be happy!” The Alchemist fever... What dream? These psychosomatic influences and beliefs that rise from the conditioning the society gives us? Pllleaassse!

I learnt the hard way that people can be selfish and short-sighted (or, pleasantly, the opposite). The ability to philosophize exceeds the one to execute in most (bureaucracy of the mind!). As life gets more complex and the bellies are full, more demands enter the mind of many. Talk about dreams to a guy living in poverty and he may think you are crazy (that makes the majority of the world...sad but true). Ever been near death? Would clear your head so much that you would question the way you live. And if you have survived to read this (like I did to write), you may as well agree that in the end nothing really matters except the few good moments and the happiness today. If God asked you, “Dude! Your time is up. Let's go!”, could you just stand up and walk without any regret? Right now?

Saints call life a play of divine. And we are the Gods who play? Seems like we are being played with but what the hell! Who knows? So I guess just let be, let go. Relax with yourself and you may just meet your soul. Soulmate? Dunno about that piece of story. Another thing I feel is that one has to also learn to give without fear (and learn when not to give without fear!). I think it is important both for growth and strength. Learning more as I live each day. And so it goes..

The Way of Orion

Time moves as it must. The imperceptible change becomes perceptible when it stares right down at your face. Life seems like a big-big game. To be happy you need to be game. And you have to remember that happiness is today, now.

The basic problem is thinking. The same thinking that gets one involved/affected by most trivial of things can also be revealing and helpful at times. Some people believe thinking can be channelized. Channelize? Where? The flux of thoughts never ceases. Thoughts come and go off their own sweet will and time. However, to be affected or not is a choice. I guess one can try to think, learn and move. Movement is the key or you are stuck.

Another enemy is feelings as I know them. Feelings change. If there is anything certain about feelings, it is change. Everybody,in essence, wants to feel happy. Yet more often than not this very desire for happiness kills our happiness. This usually happen when we become so obsessed with our feelings that we forget that others have feelings too.

Will write more some other day. Ending with a small couplet I once wrote...


When I feel I write a word
A one, a two, a three and four
More, more; words more
To add to list, to get a gist
Incomplete, meaningless
Misleading and sad
Words...

The Breath of Life

(Dedicated to H. H. Sri Sri Ravi Shankar)

Down with cravings and out with fear
Restless like a ghoul, evanascent like a tear
Fretting around in cold, sharp mercurial logic and reason
Lusting for the world in every season
I moved feverishly in the cold rain
My soul asunder, my life in pain
I lived the meaningless existence, the endless strife
But it changed for good with the breath of life
You took away my shallow breaths, my long sighs
You gave me love, You gave me the breath of life
You took my reasons and gave me joy
From an ailing man You made me a blissful boy
Jaded my confusions, made my mind as sharp as knife
Taught me to love again, gave me the breath of life
Practices shall take away strands that remain
And one day I will be whole like you free from all pain
I surrender my lust, my greed, my confusion
And pray to be with you in every season
To know my soul, be blessed by the breath and You
To be able to live every moment as new
To be in your grace and spread the light
To be an instrument of peace, to end people's plight,
Give us all the breath of life...

गुरू इश्क तेरा

(dedicated to H. H. Sri Sri Ravi Shankar)

गुरु इश्क तेरा खुद में बेमिसाल है,
यह जो रंगत है चेहरे पर मेरी, वो तेरा ही कमाल है...

जो देखता है वाह-वाह करता है,
जो सुनता है कहता है तू आतिश है, धमाल है,
यह जो रंगत है चेहरे पर मेरी, वो तेरा ही कमाल है...

खुश हूँ मुसीबतों में, मेहफूस हूँ मुश्किलों में,
कोई कहता है दीवाना मुझको,में कहता हूँ तेरे इश्क का मयाल है,
यह जो रंगत है चेहरे पर मेरी, वो तेरा ही कमाल है...

मरता है 'सवीन' तुझ पर, तुझ पर सब निसार है,
अब आ के देख ले तू खुद ही तूने किया जो कमाल है,
यह जो रंगत है चेहरे पर मेरी, वो तेरा ही कमाल है...

What Lies Beyond?

You may be smart but you can still make mistakes.
You may be fast but someone slower may be able to beat you.
You may be strong but the one who knows your vulnerability may throw you on the mat.
You may be focussed but the focus may be on the wrong things.

Everything that is right can go wrong and sometimes you get away with just about anything.

Yes, life in short-term is not fair. But it is a long-long journey...

In the end it is you. You who has the choice. That is if you know that...

God shows you a shiny poster which says "Anything is possible." Go closer. The fine print says "Conditions Apply!"

Life is a journey. Don't ask me the destination! Could not tell you even if I knew it. I am just moving like you.

Beyond feelings, beyond good and bad.

On second thought may be life is a game. Or is it an imprisonment? A school or a mad-house?

What are you searching for?

Do you even know who you are? Are you sure...

Beyond loneliness, company, love and its permutations.

Beyond the nothingness you don't really know.

Beyond you.. lies what?

Love Questions

I intrinsically feel that I am entering dangerous waters when I am trying to write about love. Why? Because for me love is such a strong feeling that it shakes you totally. What can the pen write about something that not even the best can explain and yet everybody can feel? Any expression is bound to fail. When we love somebody, we cannot even express it fully with words, gestures..and to write about it.. How do you describe an emotion so rich that permeates the creation? Forget the creation, even all other emotions... Greed is love for objects. Romance (as in movies) is love for a person. Nationalism is love for the country. For society it is the feeling of humanity. A prayer for the divine. And all the colors in between...

So may be I 'll just share what I feel and (don't) understand about it. First thing I have learnt is that feelings change. People change. Times change. Love stays... No matter what you do, it bloody stays! But where is the love I talk about? Is it in the different people I meet? Or is it in the different objects I covet? Is it in the past or will it come in the future? Is it only about “humanity“ and “God“ or something like that? I really don't know. I just feel... But where is it?

Love is in me, I like to think sometimes. Not that I am “the light and the joy the world awaits“ but... Or is it just another lie the world has told me to use me?

OK forget the esoteric part! Let's talk about pragmatic love for a few lines. What about love for people? Is it about possessing people or seeing them happy? What do people mean by true love? A hypothetical love free of passion, expectations, desire, possession...? If I say “if you love me, then I love you”, is it love, business or practicality? Is love even remotely possible? How many people would recognize love even when it stared them in the face?

My love is the freedom I seek. And someday I will be free (may be not!). And yes, my freedom is not about perfection, it is about love. So here I leave you with my love for the world, the creation, the Gods and, of course, you...

दर्द

मरता है तो मर जाए, बस दर्द थोड़ा सा कम हो जाए...

वो कहते हैं कि मिलता है सकून कब्र में
या जब शोलों से खेला जाए,
बस दर्द थोड़ा सा कम हो जाए...

वो जानते दर्द तो दर्द भी क्या बुरा था,
वो जानते मोहब्बत तो जीना भी क्या बुरा था!
ऐसे गए वो कि जाने कब सामने आए,
बस दर्द थोड़ा सा कम हो जाए...

ना हरम में ना मयकशी में
ना गम में ना ख़ुशी में
ना महफिलों में ना बेखुदी में
ना जीने में ना अब मरने में चैन आए,
बस दर्द थोड़ा सा कम हो जाए...

खुली रख आँखें 'सवीन' अभी,
कि थामे रख साँसें अभी,
क्या पता इक बार फिर वो सामने आए,
बस दर्द थोड़ा सा कम हो जाए...

आवाज़

भरे-भरे से रात दिन किसी की आवाज़ से...

पुकारूँ तो भी छलक जाए
पर दूर से कुछ भी नज़र ना आए...
पास जाऊँ तो सुनूँ उसके राज़,
बाँध कर ले आऊँ साथ अपने उसकी आवाज़,
कि तनहा हैं रात-दिन ना जाने किस हिसाब से,
भरे-भरे से रात दिन किसी की आवाज़ से...

अगर है तनहाई मुकाद्दर तो सीने से लगा लूँ,
है जशन सन्नाटा, सबको बता दूँ
कौन है साथ किसके,यह पूछो जनाब से,
भरे-भरे से रात दिन किसी की आवाज़ से...

वो थे दूर तो दिल में दर्द हुआ,
वो आए पास तो दिल ही ना हुआ...
रह गए बस कुछ लम्हे खराब से,
भरे-भरे से रात दिन किसी की आवाज़ से...

Are You Alone?

What churns in the dark, unfathomable seas of my mind is obscure. Not obscure enough to make me numb. And then I wonder, like I always have, about some stupid things like right and wrong: about what needs to be done and not done. And then comes this sweet drowning sensation after which I simply don't care about anything...life comes to a standstill. Everything becomes meaningless. Meaningless existence perturbs and tries to overcome itself. But in the end there is only endless conviction...

I have spent a large part of my life like this, alone and wondering what is wrong. Why I really don't feel happy? What is that I am looking for? What is happiness for me, what is my real aim in life? What direction am I heading to and where will I go with all this... The impetus to go on vanishes and I feel really low at times. Very low.

And then there is this joy of being alive and I suddenly feel rejuvenated. The joy of having a whole body, food, water, air, computer and small luxuries. The wonder of seeing, hearing and being able to feel, being able to be sensitive. The wonder of life, the gift of sanity, intelligence and desire. To be able to think and feel, walk and talk, love and do good. Life is a wonder with a miracle happening each moment around me, the miracles I refuse to see in hope of a "big" miracle. The joy and wonder are lost in the pseudo feeling of loneliness. I am alone?

But there is no two. Two is the confusion, two is the source of sorrow, two is the all-consuming feverishness to be one say the wise. I guess we have to realize that we are “one“, we will always be the one. And so will be our neighbor and our mother and our friend... Each one for himself(or herself). The way gets lonesome because it is lonesome. The company we get is also meant to teach or balance the great karmic scales it seems. In the end all are alone...

The Wait for Freedom

Life is good. At least now. Yet I look back and wonder where to yet again. The so called “wonder of life” (or the “pain of existence” if you please). The lessons we never need. OK, sometimes, may be we do! Do we? Company and solitude coming to me in circles, the false promise of eternal existence to live with...

Sometimes I feel like I am in sort of a glass maze. The see-through unbreakable walls. You can see but you cannot really trust what you see. If you do, you are going to end up with a bloody nose. You have your eyes, you can see. Yet you must find your way like a blind man. Can get infinitely irritating. Not optional, completely mandatory. You can see the exit you can't reach. You can't hurry it up. Only patience, preseverance, learning and hard-work may possibly lift you.

Possibly...

These walls which I can neither scale nor break (or see) shape every step I take. The Sufi saints said that you cannot fill a container faster by making two holes in it(i.e. if you want to retain some water in it!). You like it or not is not the question.

Just move.

Yet I feel that it is not because “somebody” loves me or hates me. It is the way it is. Just like that. If I believe in karma, it is my creation. The answers will come I guess. And I will wait..

आरज़ू

है बुझा सा दिल,
कभी तो आ कर तू मुझे मिल...
मुझे इक हँसी दे जा,
मेरे कानों में कुछ चुपके से कह जा,
मुझे गले लगा के ठहर जा कुछ पल,
आज ही आ किसने देखा है कल,
दीवानगी चाहे इसे कहे कोई,
जानता है जो सहे वो ही,
चाह किसी के पास होने की,
चैन से फिर कुछ पल यूँ सोने की,
पर इक बुझे से दिल में सब है धुआँ,
हर चैन जाने खोया है कहाँ,
ना उम्मीद, ना आरज़ू, ना इल्तेजाह कोई ,
राख के समंदर में रूह है सोई,
ना अब्र है, ना रौशनी है, ना हवा है,
नहीं जानते कि अब हम कहाँ हैं,
बुझा है दिल,महफिल में कोई शमा जलाए,
किसी बहाने से हम उनसे मिलने जाये...

इश्क

इश्क में डूब कर, इश्क में गिर कर, इश्क ही में मर जाओगे,
जनाज़ा भी इश्क-इश्क चिल्लाएगा मौत से जब इश्क निभाओगे!
शोलों से भी इश्क मिलेगा, चिता से भी चैन पाओगे,
राख में भी मिल गए तो ज़मीं से भी इश्क निभाओगे,
पानी में जो फूल गए, पानी से भी इश्क पाओगे,
आशिक हो, खुद इश्क बन कर फ़िज़ाओं में खो जाओगे...

पत्थर

हम पर भी निसार हो जाते वो,
पर ना यह दिल पत्थर का था और ना ही थी मोहब्बत उन्हें...

खुद या खुदा

तुझ में खुद को देखा, तुझ में खुद को पाया
और एक आह की दूरी पर हम ने खुदा को पाया...

रास्ता

हर बार मैं लौट के आया तनहा,
रास्ता न जाने किस सफ़र का बताया उसने...

ज़हर

ज़हर घोला यूं उसने साँसों में मेरी
कि आहों से मेरी कारवाँ के कारवाँ मरते गए...

Rainy Day

It was a rainy day...
Alone and friendless
Wet, cold and aimless
On me I let it rain
It was a rainy day...

Feet moved till the edges of darkness
To the flame flickering bright
I sighed, perhaps with respite
To only realize it was lightning shining through the night...
Hissing clouds of smoke met the rain half way
Though they had nothing to say
As they disappeared etching a face I know,
I realized there was still a long way to go...
What alluded me was only my name,
My way, my destination, my game
Yet the shoes moved with a swooshing sound
And no more I bothered looking around...

I was five years old playing under the sun
A spring beneath my feet, breaking in a run
I followed that butterfly to the end of the lake...

As I laid on the grass watching the moon
Counting the stars, humming a looney tune
I was the wolf, the serpent, the bat, the owl,
I was the hoot, the screech, the hiss, the howl!

And I drifted...

The sun was rising again

The numb, cold flesh begged for some rays
And the mighty sun found its ways
To fill me with warmth again
To dry what I got wet in the rain
The sweet smelling earth laid still
And so did I on that hill
As I wondered what was in a face, what was in a name,
What was in a destination and what was in a game?

I got up and to east I moved away,
It was a rainy day..

I Want

I want to fly like a bird
I want to enjoy the seasons
I want to touch a life
I want to live beyond all reasons
I want to be my best
I want to feel what I see there
I want a love forever
I want to just be everywhere
I want to know who I am
I want to travel a happy road
And if you ever loved me
We could share the load

I would become a bird if you were my flight
I would be the spring if you were my light
I can be the words if you can understand
I could feel and sense if you held my hand
But all said and all above,
I would know me if I was in love..

Flowers of Light

Yellow flowers of the light
Shining with the sun, shining bright
Eyes on the light and the smile ahoy
Come to my heart and give me joy
Fill the air with a copper smell
Of earth and love and tales to tell
Of golden fields all in sight
O flowers of sun in the light
I look at you and I smile
Standing alone on this joyous isle
Deep I breath as my eyes I close
I spread my wings and I pose
Haughtily my eyes I let dream
Of flowers and water in the valley green
Of feelings feeling just so right
Shining with the sun, shining bright
With love for the flowers of light...

Desert Rain

The endless desert days
The fiery sands
The beautiful dunes
The dying hands
The endless desert nights
The chilling air
The crawling scorpions
All those lost prayers
The travelers, the survivors
What else to give
Taking a step a time
The breaths left to live

But I see the water
I see the green
They tell me it is a mirage
There is nothing to be seen
But, lo, clouds gather
And raise a storm
Cool winds blow
A rain is born
Is it my eyes
Or is it the mind
A mirage of the heart
Or a memory blind..

But I feel the drops
My spirits rise
No vultures I see
Circling the skies
Parched lips mumble
A prayer well said
The skies changes hues
From black to red
Real it is
Please tell me
Love it is
For us to see...

(Inspiring thought:

Why.. Why are things like they are.. Why is there no end to human greed and selfishness? Or is it just a different manifestation of the power struggle inherently embedded in our animal genes? To control the most and to be responsible the least? Is it all that we aspire for in one way or other? Or is there more to life?

This life is like a desert: beautiful but deadly (well) and dry. Extreme in its temperament, liberal with its mirages, miserly with it oases. Many are its dangers and still more are its charms. And surprising is the life it really holds under the cover of barrenness. Unparalleled is its cruelty, unforgiving are its conditions.

)

Journey

A journey to begin, a life to start
Tell me, tell me the dreams in your heart
Sunny days, thunderstorms or dark nights
Tell me, tell me what you feel is right
With your tender heart in a steely shell
A journey like no other to heaven or hell
Of love and tenderness and a distant song
Or something you knew all along
A poem, an epic or a play
Tell me, tell me what you have to say
Let me take your hand or you take mine
On our journey to the valley of sunshine
Of tales to sing and coppery flowers
Of love and life and grateful showers
Of you and me and all that we want
Of holy silence of a sacred chant
Of passion, of wants and of desire
Of togetherness around the holy fire
Come with me, and we will see
A journey of love between you and me..

The One

In a granite jungle a blooming flower
In a scorching desert a grateful shower
In a heartless world a presence of love
A friend of life sent from above
In selfish minds two caring eyes
On a lonesome birthday a gift from the skies
In sea of wants someone who wants to give
In sinking hopes a reason to live
A loving tone in pushing voices
A clear way in this world of choices
In decaying values a soul so pure
One thing in my life for which I will be sure
For the one who shall be love to me
And so she would always be
The fragrance of the flower of my life
The one who'd be my wife..

याद कर लिया तुमने...

ज़रूरत से यादों का सफ़र यूँ तो है छोटा,
पर शुरू होने में देर लग जाती है अक्सर...
तो करो इंतज़ार ज़हर उतरने का रगों में,
इंतज़ार लम्बा है और दर्द भी उतना होगा,
महसूस कर पाओगे सिर्फ तुम मगर,
इंतकाम मेरा बहुत मीठा होगा।
दर्द से दर्द नहीं मिटता, मुस्कुराना भी ज़रूरी है,
इंतज़ार लम्बा सही मगर फासला छोटा होगा,
याद जब कर ही लिया तुमने ,
क्यों सोचते हो अंजाम क्या होगा...

I Have

I have....

love to give,

a dream to share,

a life to live,

some pain to bear.

a need to grow

and take it slow

reasons to believe

and reasons to know

doubts in mind

a past behind

lonely hours

and love to find

aimlessness and confusion

a search for solution

hatred and ego

love and let go

violence and destruction

kindness and construction

God and Devil

a Libran mind

no friends and no enemies

a lot to learn.

घर आओ

लिख तो दें कुछ उसके लिए अगर ग़ज़ल तस्वीर बन जाये
जान दे दे उसके लिए जो अपनी तकदीर बन जाये
पर सूखे हुए आँसू कोई कहानी कहते नहीं
उन आहों के तूफ़ान भी अब बहते नहीं
खूबसूरत आँखों में हम ने देखें हैं पत्थर
दरिया उन सेहरा में अब रहते नहीं
भूलो सब, इस ग़ज़ल को गले से लगाओ
मेरे लफ़्ज़ों से आज तुम एक तस्वीर बनाओ
दोस्ती के रंग भरो उस में
खुशियों की महफिल में उसे सजाओ
रास्ते में मिल जायेगी मोहब्बत
ले कर उसे अपने घर आओ...

A Glass a Time

Sip the life from the glass of eternity,

One glass a time to immortality

As you know, forever is a long time

So take time for my silly rhyme

One glass a time...

I loose count of time

May be I am wasting time

But I can take only one glass a time.

Filled with love and ennui, I move

Selfishly seeking the answers to company

And solitude...

Looking for the one in two

And the two in one

And the one in many

And the many in one

Looking for a purpose

And myself...

Taking a glass a time

Writing my eternal rhyme.

The friends I write are the ones I have

The marks I still call words

Talk to me, jeer and smirk

They come and they come..

The lonesome pages welcome the wound, the tatoo and the mark

And they come...

The pages fret; the words don't care a dime

I only watch taking one glass a time..

Dawn

O dark shadows of dark nights,

I await the dawn of equal light....

Darkness seeps through every soul

Minds all I see as restless as ghouls

Brotherhood of men I fail to see

Whilst darkened vision of mine strives to be.

The moon I had, the candles I burnt

But both wane, soon I learnt

Now darkness disturbs

A meaningless existence perturbs

The moon has gone, no stars I see

So O lamp post of the east, let it be.

Knowledge, love and God are same,

So, O dawn my dear, take any name!

Come. come end this night

I await you O dawn of equal light.

A Warsong

Arrows rain and limbs fly
A war rages as millions die
And here I go all alone
My sword merciless, my face of stone
Darting eyes, reflexes so fast
In this bloodbath the one who can last
My men by my side, looking proud
Taunting the enemy, shouting aloud
Like a hawk sword falls and devours
With every step more blood pours
And I think of my love in moments of respite
A smirk on my face from memory of the light
But, alas o fate, who I thought was mine
Today poisoned my glass of wine
I knew but still I drank in flow
When there is no love in life then where to go
I looked for remorse in those beautiful eyes
I looked on the angel face for look of lies
"I am strong, so for today I will last,
but my love, your days are going to end very fast.
I may kill you before I die
But just tell me love, why.."
Your sad eyes just evoked fear
Still no trace of regret, in your eyes no tear
You just took a dagger and plunged in your heart
And smiled and said, "My dear, here we part".
No answers, no question left to thee
No more, no more any reason to be
So one last battle before I die
My dear I come for I need to know why
Where did I lack in love for thee
Why did you do this to me
Million question not a single answer to quiten the rage
I burn like a young tiger in a cage
So I kill and kill and kill an I kill
But the poison will soon make me ill
And I will fall in this rain
Oblivious to glory or pain
I am the hero, the warrior, the king
And I am the damned with this wedding ring
So to hell I march, I ride this flood
Tears in my way mixed with sweat and blood
Die foes of my land, with me you die
Die before my life passes me by...

Love Is Near

Take your silence and take it away
Come to my heart to find a way
Things you feel and things you know
Only love can know, only love can know

For the one who has seen far above
He may tell you what is love
But no words can teach you what it is
To love is to know what love is

Sitting behind a dam of fear
To burst it just takes a tear
To bring in an inevitable relief
Of faith, innocence and belief

The cold that binds the ice in doubt
Will never know what warmth is all about
But will melt in face of a loving smile
To find the sea in a while

But, Alas! O Lord how I cry
To see some lives passing by
Lonely and only with doubts and fears
Beautiful souls stained with tears

For a soul frozen or caged or lost
Nothing in the world it will cost
To believe in love when it comes by
To stretch their wings and fly
For love is near if they only try..

Who Am I?

Meditating on a world of lie
I wonder who am I
Of roles I do, the games I play
Of things I do, the lies I say
Of truth and love and God and me
Or lies and hate and all that you see
A saint, a sinner; nay, just a lover
The valiant hero running for cover?
Who am I, yes, that's what I ask from me
Who am I, only I can tell to me..
But who is to say what and how
What is there is, is only now
A moment of peace, of love and us and we
A moment for which we could be
Or is it a fight till the end
Battered and beaten till we bend
Till we scream, till we die
Till we love without asking why?
So here I go with the breath of a sigh
Someday I will know who am I...